The Archetypal Brass Band

1 Eb Soprano cornet
       Too loud, usually out of tune. Convinced he has the most difficult part in the band

1 Principal cornet
       Conceited - uses too much vibrato

1 "Second man down" or "bumper upper" (cornet)
       Either thinks he would make a better principal, or hero-worships the principal

1 "Third man down" (cornet)
       Loud brutal musical thug with lots of stamina and no finesse

1 "Fourth man down" (cornet)
       Like third man down, only louder and thicker

1 Repiano cornet
       Waiting for a chance to play principal

2 2nd cornets
       Hesitant, out of tune, but can play a bottom C

2 3rd cornets
       Loud, out of tune, but can play bottom G

1 Flugelhorn
       Plays flat. Can't decide whether to be a cornet or a horn

1 Solo horn
       Usually a girlie - irrespective of whether a male or female player

2 Tenor horns
       Can play a unison tone in tune if one of them is dead

1 1st Baritone
       Useless player, out of tune all the time

1 2nd Baritone
       Even worse player. Only there to show what the first baritone could do if he tried

2 Euphoniums
       Show-off and trainee show-off

1 1st trombone
       Steam driven. Rasps most of the time

1 2nd trombone
       Sloppy player, but can rasp even at pianissimo

1 Bass trombone
       Chainsaw with vibrato

2 Eb basses
       Look like two drunken farts

2 Bb basses
       Sound like two drunken farts

Percussion
       Have lots of noisy toys which must be used in the most inappropriate way possible. Must be totally incapable of producing a swing rhythm

Conductor
       So devoid of musical ability that he thinks the above shower sounds good